everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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