They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize