I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
