She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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