I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize