my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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