I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
