Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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