Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
