don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
