so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
