I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
