This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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