I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize