My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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