i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
