im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
