so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
