the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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