I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
