Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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