I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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