i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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