My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think people are normalizing furries
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
