they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
