I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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