In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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