I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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