i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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