But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
