all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
