Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
