the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize