She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
