The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
