Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
