So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
