Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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