my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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