Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
