just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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