It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
