he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
