well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
