i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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