margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
