if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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