I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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