OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize