I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
