mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
