Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize