My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
