i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Randomize
