I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
