im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
