I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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