This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
