is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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