I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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