Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just found a bag of teeth...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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