Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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