On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
