I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
