he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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