i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
