i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
